True Life: Drama

Drama is part of our culture:

Reality TV shows still dominate the programming day, and if you follow the hashtag of show like Big Brother, what you find is that the followers of the show are only interested in the intrigue between the participants.  In fact, they lose interest when the more controversial characters are voted off the show.  We know in our gut we shouldn’t love a good train wreck, but for some reason we cannot turn away or tune out.  We all say we hate drama, and yet find ourselves participating.  The world around us reinforces our desire to be “in the know”.  We want the latest scoop.  Million dollar industries are built around following celebrities and their every move.  ”Reality” shows invite us behind the scenes to see what “really” happens.  Facebook is built around revealing our whole life to the world (or at least to the advertisers who want your attention).  Why?

Our relationships are broken:

Drama exists because our relationships are broken.  The fall of mankind into sin has distorted every aspect of our lives including how we interact with others.  In other words, our relationships are not as they should be and when we take action that is hurtful we create drama.  We were intended for awesome loving relationships but because we are broken our relationships are broken.

Desire:

Drama exists because we all have deep longings and desires that shape our behaviors.  When your desire or goal competes with mine, we have drama.  When we both want the same job, role in a play, relationship with a certain significant other we take steps to achieve our desire even if it means hurting someone else in the process.  The desires may be worthy such as a loving relationship, but we go about obtaining them in the wrong way and this causes pain for everyone.  The desire isn’t wrong, the approach is.  We want to meet our desires so deeply that we compromise our beliefs, run over anyone in the way, and do whatever it takes to fill them.

Now What?

So is drama inevitable?  On some level yes.  As long as broken people live in relationship with each other there will be drama.  What you do control is the extent of the drama.  Only you control you.  Only you can choose to not try to escalate the conflict.  Only you can choose to respond in love and selflessness instead of selfishness and break the cycle.  It is why Jesus called us to love our enemies and to put the interest of others before ourselves.  It doesn’t mean being a pushover,  far from it.  It takes the most courage to see how we are hurting others and step back.  It takes more courage to sacrifice our own interests and show genuine love to those who hurt us.

It is also gut check time.  When you find yourself in the midst of drama, it is time to examine your own actions asking where I am acting selfishly?  What am I doing to create this?  Am I perpetuating gossip?  Do I need to go to the source before reacting in anger to this?

Remember, every action, small word, facebook post or comment impacts others around us sometimes in ways that we are not even aware of.  Only you ultimately can make the choice to change the story.  It is not easy.  In fact, I would say apart from a relationship with God and the Holy Spirit working in your life it may be impossible and your life dramatic.

True Life: Dating Part 2

Questions, Questions
We have thousands of questions we have always wanted to ask the opposite sex.  Why DO girls go to bathrooms in groups and change their mind at the drop of a hat?  Why are all guys pigs, and why do they act one way around their friends and totally different alone with their girl?  There is no doubt we are different and a complete mystery to each other.  Some of the questions we have cut much closer. Why do you cheat?  Why do you flirt with every guy that comes along?  I have a theory that there is always a question behind a question.  Why do you cheat or flirt?  What we are really asking is why can’t I trust you the way I want to trust you?  What our questions tell us is that relationships are not as safe and secure as we want them to be.  We are human.  We make mistakes.  We are selfish.  We are broken and twisted by sin.  Our inability to form relationships is tied to the effects of sin.  The fall of Adam and Eve separated us from God, but it also separated us from each other and from all of creation itself.

Everyone you date you will either marry or break up.  In other words, entering into a dating relationship is serious business.  Becoming emotionally and spiritually committed to someone and building deep intimacy is not intended for a casual dating relationship.  God designed marriage:  A life long committed relationship filled with ups and downs, good times and bad, that is founded first on a relationship with God and grounded in commitment.  It is in this context that a couple builds a true trust worthy intimate relationship.

What we really want, but won’t admit it
A desire for that kind of relationship is wired into the way we are designed.  The problem is we enter into dating relationships for all the wrong reasons.  We assume it is something we are supposed to have to be normal.  We date just to have someone because it makes us feel better about ourselves.  In other words, we confuse what we think we want with what God has truly designed us to have.  Also, we rush it.  We get too serious too fast, compromise our beliefs through our actions, and devote ourselves to someone who doesn’t share our values.  All to meet a deep felt need.

Popular culture says that you should be in a deeply physical relationship with someone who is amazingly attractive to be normal.  God wired us for a genuine life-long friendship that shapes each person into the kind of person they were meant to be.  When you build that kind of relationship, physical desire for each other becomes a natural expression of deeply shared life.  Years ago two of my friends made all kinds of mistakes in their dating relationships, but when they started dating they committed to making things right.  They dated for seven years without even a kiss.  Their first kiss came when the pastor pronounced them husband and wife and said, “you may kiss your bride.”  Their relationship wasn’t built on blazing physical desire which fades over time.  It was built on pure relationship and intimacy.  In our heart of hearts that is what we are all looking for even if we are afraid to admit it.

True Life: Dating pt.1

Dating relationships are huge.  You think about them, work on them, worry about them, and try to figure out how to make them work.  At Campus Life recently when the guys were asked to describe their ideal dating relationship, they said, “look good and make sandwhiches,” while the girls had an incredible list of what they truly want from a relationship including a guy who shares how he feels!  The contrast is awesome and funny.  No wonder relationships are so difficult when we look at them so differently and our ideals do not match up!

A couple things to remember when it comes to dating relationships:

Dating as it exists in our world is really a series of mini-marriages and mini-divorces.  We date, become committed emotionally, physically, break up, experience heart break and repeat.  The dating habits we practice make us experts at breaking up, not how to build a lasting relationship.  We go into the relationship expecting it to break up or with a low commitment attitude knowing that if it doesn’t work we will just move on.  This creates no space for vulnerability and any real type of emotional or spiritual intimacy.  We are not safe to be real, so if we are, we are hurt, if we are not then it is not a genuine relationship.  So it is no surprise that when we enter into marriage our attitude is that if it doesn’t work we will just get a divorce instead of entering with the attitude of a life commitment where it is safe to be who you are and be loved anyway.  The commitment is there in sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc.  It is the foundation that provides the safety to be yourself in front of another person and be loved anyway.  It is in this sense that Paul said marriage is a reflection of a relationship with God.  Where else can we perfectly be who we are and be loved anyway except in relationship with God?

Dating is really about learning how to build a genuine relationship/friendship with the opposite sex.  Learning how to relate when we see the world so differently is a process that takes time, communication, and vulnerability.  Getting to know the person, learning how to communicate, learning whether a person is trustworthy, takes time and energy.  In the process, we can learn exactly what we are looking for in a life partner before getting into deep committed relationship where we give ourselves away too soon to a relationship that does not have the proper foundation ends in getting burned until we are jaded and cynical about relationships.

Question for further thought:  The habits we form in our dating relationships (the way we treat them, what we do, how we express love, etc.) carry into our marriage relationship.  Why do we think we can date people one way, and live married to someone in a completely different way later?

Part Two:  ”The Law of Diminishing Returns”, & What we really want, but are too afraid to admit it.

Stay Tuned…

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